I Didn’t ask to Be Crazy – Sadee Bee – 2022

Days spent longing
For a childhood lost
My rose-colored glasses shattered
Against the hard truth of things forgotten,
yet begrudgingly remembered

When you no longer see through the lens of fake-happy
The color of roses fades to grey
Turns the luminescence of the sun to a dark splotch in the sky
All the open spaces once filled with green grass,
now only gravel, rough edges, and cracked sidewalks

The oasis is no longer
A beautiful site built in fantasy, slipped away into reality
For so long, I believed in what I convinced myself of
That the reasons for my pain and emptiness were justified
Why did I feel so alone in such a beautiful place?

The answer is simple
My oasis behind the rose-colored lenses was not built by me
It was fabricated by those who did not want me to see
The ones in which my love and trust were placed from the start
Those who ushered me into their world, eager to mold me to their whims

When I resisted, only then did they begin to create
To mold, shape, and place all the intricate pieces of a lie
All the singular blades of grass, painted green by weary hands
Sidewalks paved with the cheapest concrete; destined to fall apart
The sun, a meager lamp carefully placed

The allure of what you erected has faded
I must separate myself from this barren place
There is no healing in emptiness
None to be found in carefully crafted facades
Understand that I have freed myself not to cause hurt,
but to begin again

-SB